My Mom, My Purpose

So it has been a loooong time since I have popped in and shared my thoughts and so much has happened in the in between. Some great and some greatly devastating.

Let's just jump into it,  I lost my best friend 3 days before christmas. My mother passed in her sleep early morning on the 22nd. As sudden and painful as this is, I have no regrets what so ever. I spent the days before caring for her and taking her to doctors appointments and we joked and made the best of it like we always do. Everything with that women turns into an adventure. 

She is magic that way. 

Days before it happened she spent the day in my apartment and I drew her a bath made her dinner and we watched bridget jones baby because her man Patrick Dempsey was in it. We also watched 8 mile which I never seen before and was her choice lol. Now I am sure your getting a better representation of my mom. 

We woke up the morning after and as my eyes were still closed she told me "bitch where is my coffee" haha... I snapped something smart back to her but then got up and made the women coffee. Her and I have a very special bond where we can bark at each other but with the most love and respect. Weird but so us. 

As I posted in previous blogs having coffee with her was one of my favorite things. It was just me, mom and a cup of mud. 

I think I will miss that most. I have intentions of keeping a cup near her urn just to feel like we still have our dates and our little world.

As I write this happiness and sadness flood over me but more so happiness as I had the best mother a girl could as for. I mean what other mother would hold you close and then just as quicly call you an ass haha.

Her memorial was filled with more people than we could fit in the room a true testimony to how many lives she touched. She gave her life to others, literally to her last day.

I have watched those around me grieve her loss in different ways sadly a lot remorsefully, as most people as we all do assume we have more time to make amends but life does not grantee that. So restore bridges while you can, make peace, and tell those who you love and admire how much they mean.

I do not mourn this way, God was good to me in setting up the most perfect last days with her. My last memory was kissing her and telling her I loved her. Her telling me that she loved me. 

this of course was after I finished rubbing her butt with bengay...classic. She even said " you dont know how much you love or appreciate your daugther till she rubs your butt. " haahah

A month before she was telling my brother and I just how proud she was of us. My brother made the decision to better himself just a month before and it was such a relief to her. She worried so much for us, but all the best mothers do. I have peace knowing my brother and I will continue to work on our health and helping others as my mom wanted so badly for us.

This leads me to my next point, my mother is my world, the very reason I kept pushing when in my deepest moments of depression consumed me to forgetting why I fought to live at all. 

So what happens now?

Well...

I had to make a choice, again I had to choose light over darkness and this time I felt I had a REAL reason to quit, my mother died. My light, my sunshine was gone. 

But then I thought what she would want, what she always wanted, what I had learned in the years of recovery from depression, ptsd, and anxiety and it was to live with purpose! 

I had found my purpose in my pain and used it as victory before and I intend to do it again damn it! I had vowed to to this journey honestly and well this is as raw and honest as its going to get. 

I did not make this choice with complete grace I did fall back into old behaviors of self medicating with alcohol and binge eating but then I realized that is not who I am anymore and again picked up my pieces.

You see you only fail when you stop trying...

I decided to became a health coach 3 months ago, a desire I had but was scared to try. I dove into it and it fell in love. My hearts mission is to help people anyway I can, emotionally through this blog and art and now physically with my wellness coaching. What I have learned is that this group of women are not just working on themselves we are working on each other. they have supported me in my loss, comforted me and checked up on me. It is for this reason I picked myself up and remembered how important it was to take care of my body and washing it over with alcohol and stuffing it with junk was not the way.

So I started a light yoga practice and my just showing up has inspired others. I have had people mention that my ability to still show up during this time has made them realize they have no excuse not to do the same for theirselves. 

And there is the magic, a magic my mom always understood, you dont have to be perfect to help or inspire people you only have to be genuine and real.

I celebrate her spirit in everything I do.

Feel free to follow my Wellness coaching on instagram @nya_jenrenay . Just DM me on Instagram I am here for you!

Say it Loud say it Proud!

Can I just say it?…

I am proud.

I am proud of myself.

I am proud of this passing year.

As I have mentioned in a previous blog post last September I got my DUI. I hit my lowest of lows and knew something had to change. That something was me. No more half ass healing. No more band aids for battle wounds and no more making excuses or casting the blame.

I got myself in this mess. I had the choice to fight to get myself out.

I make that choice...

Every. Damn. Day.

Honestly sometimes every minute of the day, but let me regress the point of this post was not to rehash my hardship but rather celebrate my come back!

In the past year I really tried to focus on who I wanted to be but that first meant taking inventory on who I was at the end of last year.

Last year I was a woman who was still putting off her healing. A woman who did not make decisions based on facts or logic but let her emotions run her. A woman who didn’t anyways respect the relationships she was in. A woman who left doors open that she knew needed to be shut. A woman who did not value herself. I lived in a shell of my own body and without passion or purpose. I worked out only to punish myself or tire me so I could finally fall asleep and escape the day.

It breaks my heart to think I was this woman just 12 months ago. To think that other women still feel this way now.

Please know your worth!

This is not to say that all mentioned above has been mastered, but my demons are on short leashes these days and I am the boss of them not the other way around.

I have seen the manifestation of my growth and it is an outer body experience. No one knows me better than I do, no one knows how I would react to certain situations, but now I surprise myself. I do not react the same way. I can clearly see the distinction between the old me and me now.

Recently I was notified I will be losing my job due to funding.

Let’s play a game. I am going to give you both reactions as I know them to be, the one of based of my past behavior and my actual response to this news…

Ready?

Old me:

Employer: “We regret to inform you that due to funding we will not be able to keep you as of October 20th….”

Internal Monologue: No no no no no! this is not fair. This shit always happens before my birthday. DUI last year and jobless this year. Guess I am going to have to cancel that tattoo appointment I made. I can’t ever do anything nice for myself. What the hell am I going to do now?! How I am I supposed to enjoy my vacation if I come back jobless. I wonder if I can get out of the trip I should just use the time job searching anyway. What the hell does it matter if I don’t go to Mexico I never go anywhere anyway. Oh great a new job to hate here I come…..”

And more and more negative soul and spirit crushing words.

Mind you this is the cliff note version. Haha

Here’s what really happened:

Employer: “We regret to inform you that due to funding we will not be able to keep you as of October 20th….”

Me: “I completely understand I can’t imagine this being an easy conversation to have and I knew coming on that it was a contracted position and that this was a possibility”

Employer: “You won’t believe this but I couldn’t sleep last night because I had to tell you…”

Me: “oh I believe it I am wonderful! I wouldn’t want to let me go either!”

Two Different Women.

I went to my tattoo appointment, I had made it as a present to myself before the news; I did not punish myself because I did what I planned to do when I got this job, I spent a year in the City of San Jose, furthered my skill set and saved some money. Why would I punish myself for reaching my goal? Why would I ruin my vacation because life happened?

Logic…oh hello! Is that you?… Nice to finally meet you!

Maybe this seems small in the great scheme of things but if you are someone who battles with depression you know what a victory this is for me. I let my mind ruin things they never should have and I am doing my best to stop that cycle.

I now work out because I want to! I have started kick boxing…KICKBOXING! Never in my life did I think I’d be a girl who does kick boxing.  

But why the hell not?!  why not me? Why shouldn’t I learn to finally love my body?!

Do what you want to, try new things, be awkward at them, be nervous about them but give yourself permission to try. If you hate it don’t go back. Simple.

I also took my brother to dinner for the 4th year in a row for his birthday and I can feel our bond growing. Making time for my brothers was a goal I set when I realized how I let relationships and my depression take over my life. I began to neglect those closest to me and I felt horrible about it.

But this year I realized in a conversation with him that I am doing it, that I have been doing it for the past four years and more importantly…

 I AM a better sister.

I have so much more to go but things are changing.  I let go of people whose chapters have ended and I have been open to the writing of new ones.

But

it all takes time…

 The way I react to things is tested daily but I get the choice to who responds, the old me or this one now and I am proud every time I respond, the woman in progress, the woman fighting.

My body will change too with more time and more discipline but I feel better about the strength I am capable of, strength and determination I did not know I had.

A strength it took to start this year journey.

Honestly start it.

 A journey that has lead me here to this blog with this purpose.

A purpose to encourage and inspire healing through my honest vulnerability…

And I am proud.

My eyes are whelming up because I have not been able to utter those words honestly for a long time and here I am about to enter further into my 30’s, about to be unemployed, unsure of my future …

And proud!

You don’t have to be perfect to be proud of yourself celebrate all your victories especially the small ones.

I had dinner with an old friend yesterday and she said something I will not forget and neither should you.

“If you are merely 1% better than you were yesterday in 50 days, you will be 50% better!”

Small things add to big things!

Be proud Babes, we are doing it!

* and if you’re not just yet,  that’s ok…but Start! *

Con todo amor,

Jena

Season of Letting Go

As an October baby I am sure it is no surprise that fall is one of my favorite seasons. I mean growing up the “fat girl” you could imagine that summer with its bikinis didn’t really beckon my lovely lonjas into the sunshine…

But…Fall was perfect for a chubby girl with an obsession for oddities.

I mean look at that girl that is a face of a women who loves herself some fall!

Fall was filled with warm and fuzzy feelings and even though I spent too much time overthinking ways to make my crazy Mexican family behave like the Brady Bunch (which never ended well plus I realize now we are much funnier than the Brady Bunch) there is still some magic to it, perhaps it is just the sugar high that came from too much Mexican hot chocolate and Halloween candy …who knows.

As visual person I think I loved the colors the most, the warmth of the season as everything lights up in waves of maroons and brunt orange and how even though the leaves are dying to me they seem most alive.

Ironic huh? That the death of something that was once so much a part of the tree, its very leaves, that once served purpose of protection and even homes for those creatures that lived in it now are no longer beneficial to the tree itself, they are no longer essential in its growth into this new season.

I thought about that after seeing a quote on Pinterest it read…

“The Trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let dead things go.”

We often find excuses to hold onto things that we feel have been a part of who we are, even past their purpose, this can be people, relationships, habits, our feelings toward others or ourselves …whatever.

I am the queen of this, I have battled with what I now know is abandonment issues because of my “colorful childhood” this has caused me to hold on too long.

Too long in a marriage where I was emotional abused.

Too long in relationships I did not feel myself in.

Too long in getting help for my depression.

Too long in friendships that were not helping me grow.

Too long in self-doubt.

Too long resenting my past.

Too long in fear of trying never things.

Too long ins speaking my mind.

Too long in healing.

I thought it was letting go of these things that would kill me. If I let go of my friend, significant other, past, doubt which was so much of my life, who would I be?

The fact is I’d still be me, just an honest version of me.

Let go of the things that hurt you, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, it is not the end but just the beginning of a new season.

Don’t resent the “leaves” in your life that have died but be grateful for the time and lessons you learned from them, the shelter and company they once provided and then….

Let Go.

Walking into a new season sometimes means leaving some things behind but I assure there is beauty to it, one of my favorite authors wrote :

“There Are Far Far Better Things Ahead Than The Things We Leave Behind.”

— C.S. Lewis

Fall in love with your life by letting go of the things that have died.

Con Todo Amor

-Jena

P.S. If your reading these leave a comment it would be nice to know your there...but no pressure.. l talk to myself a ton so no worries haha

Dating Women

Let me explain, have you ever bumped into a woman in the grocery store, the gym, the mall or at work had a small conversation and thought “I like her”? have you ever had the impulse to ask for her number?

My guess even if you did, you didn’t. Unless you are a very social and brave extrovert. Many of us as women get embarrassed to show interest in building friendships. Maybe it is our underlining wounds, our past experiences of rejection or that awkwardness of feeling like a creeper asking for a random female’s information.

Why is that? As women we long for acceptance and relationship yet we are scared to help one another see our greatest qualities.

The truth is that the reason we were drawn to that person to begin with is because they had something you admired, a good sense of humor, outlook on life, or maybe it was her impeccable sense of style. Whatever it was it’s a compliment, right? who doesn’t like to know they are interesting. I mean think about it we post images of our lives on social media for that little heart to be clicked and long for comments validating us, yet spare genuine and organic compliments to each other in real life, aren’t we all looking for someone to notice us?

Don’t get me wrong I am with you, it’s terrifying but what is equally scary to me is the thought of standing alone. Alone in those major moments in my life. Shouldn’t your girls be there if you get married, have a baby, get promoted? Who stands with you?

Yes, our significant other (if we have one) are amazing, their support is essential but I don’t think anyone will question there is nothing like your girls, women who can build you up and support you encourage you and fight alongside of you. Because we know what it is like, at the end of the day we fight the same things. I mean do guys bleed once a month or push out what could be the size of a small watermelon out of their Coochie (vigina....coochie means vigina haha) 

No. They don't. So you see my point. Only we can understand the intricate and beautiful and sometimes gross and painful parts of our lives!

I mean Girlfriends and Cocktails are like peanut butter and Jelly!  Photo via Google 

Now this isn’t to say I do not have women in my life, I do. Great ones like a best friend for a little less than a decade and a mother who is very much like a girlfriend and others who have come and stayed, others who have gone but still added to my life. All I am saying is we must be more open to each other.

I know from experience so many of us have a need, what if the women at the store, work, mall, or grocery store had a solution. Think of it as a game of averages or networking, think of all the great advice or memories we missed because of self-doubt and insincerities.  

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Women Suck” … (maybe that’s just me haha) I have been there too. I have dealt with back stabbing females, women who had no regard for my relationships, women who have just walked out, women how have used me…

BUT…

That is not all of us my guess is that you think you’re a pretty good friend. I am an amazing friend. So look at that there are two of us, now my guess is we are not the only two.

It's more than friendship it is feeding each other, helping each other heal by allowing us to know we have something to offer someone else and if we invested in each other think of how much stronger we could be. Think of what we would never settle for if we had women encouraging us we were worthy more consistently?

Photo Via Pinterest

I want to continue to grow and help others do the same so I am now open to dating haha. I am looking for my Tribe, I follow an amazing woman on intsagram ( you should check her out...no really check her out  @_kel_marie_she is a real person and fitness goals for me!) She is always rooting for her "tribe" a group of women who support and encourage each other, how awesome is that?!

This is not to say every woman you meet is going to be built for friendship with you, but just to encourage you to look beyond yourself and be open to others. Just like traditional dating you should vibe with someone, enjoy their company and see with time what grows and if it doesn’t work it doesn’t work.

I truly believe we are as women born healers and hope for a time when we learn to help heal each other.

Con todo amor,

Jena

The Value of Vulnerability

What a concept right? Value in vulnerability?

The very thing, if like me and I am assuming you may be if you take time out of your day to read these, vulnerability is the very thing you fought so much against. It is what you spent most of your life proving yourself better than, stronger than. “ I aint no punk …[ you can fill in the rest]”

In a moment of clarity, I realized that being vulnerable was exactly what I needed to get out of my funk, I maturely made the decision to wear my heart on my sleeve as a noble act to save myself and others.

How wonderful am I? Insert compliments and pats on the back here.

No.

It was not going to be that easy, though my soul knows this is the path that will lead me to true healing, my pride pushes, and pushes, it resists, it snarls at me with sarcasm “oh your weakness is what makes you tough, try it!.”

Just recently a friend offered advice, they meant well but it knocked me. It made me question the foundation on which I am building MM.

VULNERABILITY.

Photo Via Pinterest

These post are honest; my friend’s suggests that maybe they are “too honest” “people don’t need to know all that” “they will judge you”

They meant well but they were wrong. I let the words...

“THEY WILL JUDGE YOU”

grow fear in me, so much that I called my mother and asked “am I doing the right thing?”

We talked and I was still terrified of being so naked in this process but one thing sat true. Inside my soul insisted...

“THIS IS THE ONLY WAY!”

I will not do this if it is not authentic. That doesn’t mean it is going to be easy, it doesn’t mean I won’t be judged.

Since that day I have been tested. This has made me more vulnerable and for days I forgot its value, I only felt its shame, its stigma as weakness and its foreshadowing failure.

I did what people with depression do I vomited toxic conversation on those who love me, I  distanced myself from the world, from myself. I let myself become a shell until it scared the hell out of me.

I kept being told repeatedly that this was my choice, to feel this way. That I wasn’t ready to get help and that I was not letting myself REALLY feel.

If you have depression these words of love, yes they are from love but feel like judgment. They are the accusation and proof that no one will ever understand you or love you. It is your depression wagging its finger and saying “I told you so, just stop talking”  

I sat with the weight of those words, of their truth. I was doing it again; I wasn’t allowing myself to be vulnerable. I was not giving myself permission to be happy.

This morning I woke up, I made and packed healthy foods. I took a shower and put in more effort than I usually do to get ready and I called and renewed my depression medicine.

Photo: 01/05/2017 Instagram: FRIZZKIDART

This is not easy. I wanted to beat this on my own (maybe one day I will) but right now I must remove the shame in getting help. I posted on my Instagram this morning a very honest post about my depression about my struggle and about my decision to give myself permission to take the next step.

In return I was told in a private message from a beautiful artist who follows me

“I look up to you ...I felt every word in your post...thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and emotions.   ”

From our vulnerability we give others permission to be themselves too. We allow ourselves to have real connections. We grow stronger. We grow together.

I came into work and looked up the spelling of VULNERABLE, I told you guys I am a horrible speller and a ted talk came up. I watched it…

You should watch it! Just click the link… really.. click it.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-1200380

If  not here are some of its highlights:

“In order for connection to happen we need to allow ourselves to be seen…REALLY SEEN” 

even the stuff we don’t like the stuff we try to hide.

In the TED talk it mentions that

People who fully embraced vulnerability BELIEVED that it was what made them beautiful. It was not said to be comfortable or exciting but it was NECESSARRY.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity of belonging and of love.”

“When we numb vulnerability we also numb everything else such as love and joy.”

“We must believe we are enough”

You are enough! A thousand times over, even if you feel you are in a thousand pieces you are enough and it there is value in your vulnerability!  

Con todo amor,

Jena                                                                                                                                        

What to do when your peace is paused?

This weekend I was challenged. It seems the more I chase this calling the more opposition I come against. I choose not to go into the details of the disappointments because though they are “new” circumstances they really are just old opponents; ones I need to remember I have already beaten.

I sit here unattached from the chaos around me, my mind is currently doing its best to protect me from the reality that here we are again. After crying silently at my work desk overwhelmed with the constant buzzing of my phone and constant buzzing of my mind. I do the only thing I can.

FIGHT.

This is not to say everything in me isn’t screaming, kicking, pouting that here we are…

AGAIN.

Only this time it feels worse. All at once, even my safe place was put to test. I am both numb and overwhelmed, all I can gather from this is the sadden thought, is that this is familiar.

The good thing about going through pain is just that, you are going through it! I often feel defeated, like this very moment when opposition comes up, once more.

 I say to those I love when they are faced with more than they can bare and more they can understand “Remember your truth” so in this moment when my peace is paused, and hear me when I say paused because that is all this is, I refuse to let life take my peace ever again. I assure my inner gansta’...

REMEMBER YOUR TRUTH!

The truth is, this is not the first time I have felt attacked and my guess is if your reading this and are feeling like me its not your first time either, am I right?

 You know what happened the last time we felt like this? we survived and you know what is going to happen this time….

WE SURVIVE.

Not because we am stronger but because we can choose to keep pushing, picking up our pieces doesn’t mean there will not be new pieces to pick up. It means you gather yourself from the ground… every time. It means you gather your truth!

I still feel it, the hurt, the disappointment but because I know this fear, this doubt, this pain I know it doesn’t last.

I put on worship music, I read words to feed my soul, feed my truth. I write this to encourage you, to encourage myself. I am surviving, you are still surviving. Keep breathing, one breath to the next, know that it pisses off your opponent. Your peace has not been stolen from you it has just been paused. Let me say that again...

YOUR PEACE HAS NOT BEEN STOLEN, IT HAS BEEN PAUSED.

If you need a sign to keep going, encouragement that you can get through from someone who is currently going through it, this is it. This is not the hallmark- sugar- coated- kumbaya speech.

It is not easy, but last time I checked easy was not in the description of badasses.

I do this for you, for me. If your reading this know I am stand with you, I hope you stand with me. I believe that it is important though I hurt at this moment to post in the rare chance it helps another. I read this over the weekend and this phrase has sat with me since …

“The more she hurt the more she learned to help others who hurt.”

I will not let my pain be for nothing. Do not let yours. Use it to spread encouragement and hope to others and if you have some to spare your girl could use some! Message comment, like and share. I need you guys too!

Con todo amor

Jena

Writing Was My First Love

I have been thinking a lot lately, depression kicking your butt for a day or two will do that. I am coming around though, feeling more like me, I am thankful for that. I chatted over coffee with my mom this morning before work, one of my favorite things to do, I swear that women is the Lorelai to my Rory *A Gilmore Girl reference in case you were like  the WHO to her WHAT?! long story short it is  tv series about mother daughter shenanigans with lots of coffee and sarcastic banter, I swear that show was written about us. *For real if you knew us you'd agree *

After our chit chat I realized how far I have come this has been a two year journey and things are different, for the better and I need to remember that. *Note to self Jena ...Remeber that!*

After I left home I kept thinking and for whatever reason old writings came to mind, you see as the title of this blog suggest Writing was indeed my first love. I had this idea that I would write a book one day... who knows maybe I will. All ambitious author aspirations aside I really just, as Frida states in the quote below I wrote what I knew... I wrote about Me, my feelings and things I went through.

“ I am my own muse. The subject I know best. The subject I want to better ”

Here are some of those writings... enjoy! well I hope you enjoy... con todo amor - Jena

Beautiful Not Broken

So many before had struck her heart and left her there to starve

She was pierced with their promise of love for her

 But they only left…

Left another mark

Another puncture

Soon there was barely reminisce of the girl she once knew

She waited so hopeful to be whole

And came to the conclusion that maybe she was only meant to be hopeless

withered with holes

She hid from the world ashamed by her broken being

Until he came and stared at her

He couldn’t believe what his eyes were seeing

Light spilled so sweetly from her scars

She looked to him like the heavens

As stars’ shine light through the dark

her essence allured his very heart

She mirrored a paper lantern

just as precious, just as fragile

she saw damaged, she saw regret

he saw her kissed with eyelets

illuminating the room she hid in

her radiance brought comfort to him

Before she could explain to him why she was so tattered

Before a word of hers was spoken

He marveled at her again

And said “beautiful not broken” -MM

Beautiful Mosaic

She had glue in one hand and some string

With the intention of mending because she had been ripped at the seems

Because life is indifferent and it tends to be mean

And she was no longer the girl who

Once hope and once dreamed

So she grabbed the glue and the shattered pieces

And thought to herself…

This is me

And she worked and she tried to mend

But the pieces still cut with their jagged ends

But she was obsessed she with fixing within what had been broken

Determined to get back what life had stolen

And through piecing the broken bits she had learned to regret

She stepped back

And marveled in the beautiful Mosaic she had created with those pieces in tack

- MM

My Why…

This is a post I have wanted to write for a while but I am writing it now as a reminder to myself why I started.

This past Saturday was the MM Movements First Care Card making workshop. I want to write and tell you that it went off without a hitch, that it filled my tank and I am overwhelmed with pride…

But I can’t, it didn’t. I am learning to be ok with that. Truth be told it was a blow to my ego, let’s be clear,

The MM movement WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT MY EGO

but I am human and I have put more money, time, and passion into this project than any endeavor in my life. I am the girl who passionately starts things and then quits them without notice. I am hot or cold, in or out and I “enter explicit word here” hate that!

The MM movement was meant to challenge me to fight for the best version of myself and to truly learn to accept and love myself despite my past, my flaws, and my nature. A nature that I am actively fighting to break because it serves me nor the people around me any good. This movement was to show others if I can do it they can too because I am a mess! (don't get me wrong I can still be pretty awesome but I am sure you get it)

So as I write this now I laugh a little realizing that maybe Saturdays event sucking big time wasn’t the end of the world moment it felt like...Oh yes it indeed felt like that, I cried in the car before walking into the house after the event, I felt as if I failed, failed myself and failed others but again with my selfish nature felt more that people had failed me. I am not proud of these moments but they are my truth.

I am supported, I am loved and I am a woman actively fighting my depression.

So back to the first moments of the MM movement. It is just that that did it… my depression. I was diagnosed with depression April 2016 and I have believed I kept it under control and that was until about a year ago when I unknowingly had started an unhealthy coping mechanism with whiskey. Please keep in mind I was not a binge drinking, black out, table dancing, missing work mess but I was a couple of times a week “get my mind off things” “it helps me sleep” drinker. I did not even notice I was doing it. I did not even know I had so much undealt with hurt.

In fact, before my new coping mechanism I was doing “fine” I had participated in my first ever art shows, I was working out, I was to my knowledge beating my depression I realize now that is not possible without facing the things I was covering up with what I was calling Self Care. We can’t just put lipstick on our wounds and wonder about our way. No we must put on our big girl pants and do the very thing we always knew we had too.

*fun fact NEW GIRL is one of my favs!*

We have to pick up the broken pieces we were left in, acknowledge them, hold them and deal with them and only then can we reshape them.

I didn’t admit I was still broken and that is where it started to really turn for the worst. Admitting I was broken meant the person or persons who hurt me got to me. It was admitting I was not strong enough to “get over it” Who was I trying to prove myself too? What did it matter what others thought? So people think I am tough but inside I am a broken mess? yeah Jena that’s winning…*sarcasm…so much sarcasm*

In September of last year, it hit a head I got a DUI, no one was hurt and I was stopped two seconds after getting in my car. I was not extremely over the limit but enough for it to matter. I am not going to justify my actions. I was over the limit. PERIOD. It didn’t matter if I had drove home safely after the same amount of drinks before. I was wrong.

Needless to say that spending an evening in the County jail will spike up your depression, you know how they say it gets worse before it gets better….well whoever they are, their right. After community service, mandatory classes, driving restrictions and some serious beating myself up, I was finally where I needed to be … face down and without a clue.

What the hell just happened? Can this really be all there is for me? After everything I have been through (another story for another time) this was the direction I was going?

I felt defeated I could not.. COULD NOT LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY.

I did the one thing I had been running from for years. I prayed. You see I had trusted God with something and it did not work and I never truly forgave him for it. You ever feel like you’re just talking to a wall when your praying well that is what it was like, but I had no other option, I was lifeless. I needed purpose so I prayed for it. I asked others to pray for it too. I am not the girl who ask for help remember, I was uncomfortable, I did not like it but I did it anyway.

Shortly after things started to fall into place. A book I was reading at the time, one I am still reading, mentioned how you should always say yes to creativity. That creativity is like a person asking for collaboration with you and if you say no too many times it stops asking you to work with it. A friend came into my life, and left shortly after, but not before telling me he believed “My healing was in my Art” A memory came to mind after years of its absence of when I was being mentored as a young women and was asked what I was passionate about? Do you know what my answer was…

The first thing that came to mind when I was asked at the age of 23 what I was passionate about? … it was WOMEN.

Women?! I remember thinking what kind of bogus passion is that? Oh so now I am supposed to be some kind of motivational speaker? (my stubbornness was even more animated back then can you believe it? Lol) I thought how “stupid” and never really thought of it again…

Until 7 years later, after asking for help, I kept thinking about it, about everything. About me and how I did not want to keep living my life in pieces, about the women in my life who I wanted more for, about what made me happy. It was what motivated me.

I thought I could use my paintings to help women, but how? (doing as the book said and saying Yes to creativity) I sat and wrote up the MM mission statement, a physical plan on what that looked like, I had a friend proof read it and I sent it into the world.

Things clicked, they fell into place, I had a plan, I felt a purpose and it had been rooted in me from day one but I had to dig, and it hurt damn it, it still does but I am not giving up I am calling them growing pains and I am fighting through it.

*Photo via Pinterest...got to love Pinterest!

And if I fail, well I tried and I won’t be a failure if I see this through because I started this MM movement to break my nature and a part of that was quitting.

Please don’t quit! find you passion and let it save you, let it save others around you. You matter and you have something to give! You are a Beautiful Mosaic and you are a Bad A**!

Con todo amor,

Jena

For You - MM Care Cards Explained

So here is the history of the MM Care Cards, the Who, the What, the When and the How.

The whole enchilada…. *Mmmm enchiladas*

So the Who well that’s a no brainer right? I developed the idea for the cards but the What and When are the meat and potatoes of it all (sorry for all the food analogies guys, I must me hungry)

The cards were started a mere 2 months ago! On March 30th, I only remember this because I posted about it on social media, thanks Instagram! That day my depression was bad I cannot tell you now why but I did the one thing that usually made my mind stop running a mile a minute, and that was pushing my body to run instead. I am in no way an athlete so it takes all my energy, both mental and physical to run, especially Communication Hill and all my San Jose people know what that means.

After my run I still felt upset which was unusual, exhausting my body had almost always worked. It was a hard time for me back then I woke up every day, went to work then worked out till I was too tired to think and too tired to care about the lingering disappointment that I had stopped caring about anything.

You can imagine my frustration when my run didn’t stop the flood of negative thoughts it was supposed to. Perhaps you can’t so let me paint this out for you, there I was pouting, literally pouting a grown women the age of 30 years old thinking the very childish selfish thought “why doesn’t anyone see I’m hurting, why doesn’t anyone care enough to buy me a gift” that’s right a gift!...let me explain… when people in my life are struggling I buy them gifts, random little things to let them know they are seen and cared for.

So there I was crying in my car while driving home because no one had cared enough to bring me a gift. I am not proud of this behavior but it is honest, I promised you I would be honest. Suddenly I felt convicted, I felt as if I was being told “When was the last time you did something for someone else?” I am a faith based person *no worries if you’re not* so I knew I had a choice to make. To sit in my sorrow and hate those in my life for not catering to my every outburst or to do something that mattered. And just as suddenly as the first thought had come immediately came the idea for the cards. I was going to write the card I needed to find that day, I was going to write a lot of them and I was going to hope that they would find someone like me who needed them too.

I drove to the first Target I seen and bought 2 packs of the bargain bin blank cards and wrote one while I was there and left it in the women’s bathroom. I went home and wrote out all the cards and honestly it was the best evening I had spent alone in a very long time.

This is the What, what I wrote in them:

“Hello Mosaic,

I am honored you picked up this card. A mosaic is made of putting broken pieces back together to make something new and beautiful. So if life has left you broken, that is ok! But you do not have to stay that way. You can pick up your pieces. You are important and you matter! My heart’s desire is that we support and encourage each other, so this is for you, a reminder that you are not broken, you are a beautiful Mosaic.”

I signed them with my art Instagram “Mexicana Mosaic Art” and the left them everywhere I went, coffee shops, the gym, restaurants… wherever.  

I really did not expect to hear from anyone but I did! Women messaged me saying how they found one and how they needed it. I can’t explain what this meant to me. There were not many but I told myself if there was just one the cards touched then it was worth it. I continue this practice of card making now and it has been the best medicine for my depression.

So here is the real exciting part the How, how can you get involved, how can we help more people and encourage them to heal and gain self-love?

Attend a workshop (check out the event section or book a workshop you can e-mail me for details) make a card and spread some hope. It really does make a difference, in not only the person who finds it but also to the person who writes it.

Small gestures can make a Big difference.

Not into the cards that’s ok! Find something you are interested in and let it change you and let it change the world.

Are you a visual person like me???  I mean who doesn't like stories with pictures right?!

Click on Image below to get a feel for the day the MM Care cards came to be. * These images are from my past Instagram posts, all honest no reenactments here*

Meaning Behind the Mexicana Mosaic's Logo

Well while killing time like any other semi- motivated young professional I was skimming Pinterest for workout routines (Routines I was not even thinking about doing at the time but made me “feel” virtually fit with every save) Healthy meals ( I also "pinned" with no intention to make) and planning what I only dreamed of at the moment, a super awe inspiring art show.

It was in banking (fancy term for my online hoarding) that I came across images of anatomical hearts. You should know I have always been intrigued by odd things.  By this time Mexicana Mosaic was the name I had proclaimed over myself as an artist (I won’t bore you again with how that came together but if your unfamiliar wonder over to the "About" section to find out more)  

I did not know how or what all this was going to be... a story I will blog about in the future, but I did know what it meant to me, that is where is started. 

It started with one women who was very broken and very tired of it, tired of being the, as my mother so affectionately (not sarcasm that women is my BIGGEST fan) called me a "Debbie Downer" one of her famous lines was how she knew I was different as a child because I could "find something wrong with Disneyland" yes, that's right! The happiest place on earth was no match for my, unknown at the time, depression. 

I was also tired of watching the wonderful women in my life, I am talking about, do anything for their children, been through hell and back, overcome addiction, beautiful, amazing funny as all get out type of women repeat over and over how "something was wrong with them" 

WHAT?! are they freaking kidding me?! these are my favorite women, the ones who have molded me and they too, were carrying a deep rooted hurt. It was then I knew that we are all broken in our own way carrying things we do not need to, this is represented in the broken pieces in the logo. You may have noticed that there is one color that is unique and that represents that we all have a unique story and a unique gift.

All this was considered when I thought of what image I was going to use to introduce myself as an artist, way before the "Mosaic Movement' was ever even a thought. 

Now let’s rewind back to me scrolling through endless pages on Pinterest. The logo gets its shape from the anatomical heart or those "ugly" hearts (as my mom likes to call them) as I mentioned, I like odd things, things that most may not consider beautiful this a natural bi-product of spending most of my life as the fat side kick .... *laughs awkwardly*...anyway....

I thought about the hearts and I thought about how I felt, about me, about the women in my life...about everything! I knew I wanted to represent women, not that I do not think guys hurt, I see you and I support your journey to healing and self-love too, BUT I only know the struggle from my personal standpoint and the ladies in my life.  In the logo you will see a women's side profile this represent me, my mother, my best friend, you...us! 

This is the meaning behind the logo and the start of the Mosaic Movement!