The Value of Vulnerability
What a concept right? Value in vulnerability?
The very thing, if like me and I am assuming you may be if you take time out of your day to read these, vulnerability is the very thing you fought so much against. It is what you spent most of your life proving yourself better than, stronger than. “ I aint no punk …[ you can fill in the rest]”
In a moment of clarity, I realized that being vulnerable was exactly what I needed to get out of my funk, I maturely made the decision to wear my heart on my sleeve as a noble act to save myself and others.
How wonderful am I? Insert compliments and pats on the back here.
No.
It was not going to be that easy, though my soul knows this is the path that will lead me to true healing, my pride pushes, and pushes, it resists, it snarls at me with sarcasm “oh your weakness is what makes you tough, try it!.”
Just recently a friend offered advice, they meant well but it knocked me. It made me question the foundation on which I am building MM.
VULNERABILITY.
Photo Via Pinterest
These post are honest; my friend’s suggests that maybe they are “too honest” “people don’t need to know all that” “they will judge you”
They meant well but they were wrong. I let the words...
“THEY WILL JUDGE YOU”
grow fear in me, so much that I called my mother and asked “am I doing the right thing?”
We talked and I was still terrified of being so naked in this process but one thing sat true. Inside my soul insisted...
“THIS IS THE ONLY WAY!”
I will not do this if it is not authentic. That doesn’t mean it is going to be easy, it doesn’t mean I won’t be judged.
Since that day I have been tested. This has made me more vulnerable and for days I forgot its value, I only felt its shame, its stigma as weakness and its foreshadowing failure.
I did what people with depression do I vomited toxic conversation on those who love me, I distanced myself from the world, from myself. I let myself become a shell until it scared the hell out of me.
I kept being told repeatedly that this was my choice, to feel this way. That I wasn’t ready to get help and that I was not letting myself REALLY feel.
If you have depression these words of love, yes they are from love but feel like judgment. They are the accusation and proof that no one will ever understand you or love you. It is your depression wagging its finger and saying “I told you so, just stop talking”
I sat with the weight of those words, of their truth. I was doing it again; I wasn’t allowing myself to be vulnerable. I was not giving myself permission to be happy.
This morning I woke up, I made and packed healthy foods. I took a shower and put in more effort than I usually do to get ready and I called and renewed my depression medicine.
Photo: 01/05/2017 Instagram: FRIZZKIDART
This is not easy. I wanted to beat this on my own (maybe one day I will) but right now I must remove the shame in getting help. I posted on my Instagram this morning a very honest post about my depression about my struggle and about my decision to give myself permission to take the next step.
In return I was told in a private message from a beautiful artist who follows me
“I look up to you ...I felt every word in your post...thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and emotions. ”
From our vulnerability we give others permission to be themselves too. We allow ourselves to have real connections. We grow stronger. We grow together.
I came into work and looked up the spelling of VULNERABLE, I told you guys I am a horrible speller and a ted talk came up. I watched it…
You should watch it! Just click the link… really.. click it.
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-1200380
If not here are some of its highlights:
“In order for connection to happen we need to allow ourselves to be seen…REALLY SEEN”
even the stuff we don’t like the stuff we try to hide.
In the TED talk it mentions that
People who fully embraced vulnerability BELIEVED that it was what made them beautiful. It was not said to be comfortable or exciting but it was NECESSARRY.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity of belonging and of love.”
“When we numb vulnerability we also numb everything else such as love and joy.”
“We must believe we are enough”
You are enough! A thousand times over, even if you feel you are in a thousand pieces you are enough and it there is value in your vulnerability!
Con todo amor,
Jena