Can I just say it?…

I am proud.

I am proud of myself.

I am proud of this passing year.

As I have mentioned in a previous blog post last September I got my DUI. I hit my lowest of lows and knew something had to change. That something was me. No more half ass healing. No more band aids for battle wounds and no more making excuses or casting the blame.

I got myself in this mess. I had the choice to fight to get myself out.

I make that choice...

Every. Damn. Day.

Honestly sometimes every minute of the day, but let me regress the point of this post was not to rehash my hardship but rather celebrate my come back!

In the past year I really tried to focus on who I wanted to be but that first meant taking inventory on who I was at the end of last year.

Last year I was a woman who was still putting off her healing. A woman who did not make decisions based on facts or logic but let her emotions run her. A woman who didn’t anyways respect the relationships she was in. A woman who left doors open that she knew needed to be shut. A woman who did not value herself. I lived in a shell of my own body and without passion or purpose. I worked out only to punish myself or tire me so I could finally fall asleep and escape the day.

It breaks my heart to think I was this woman just 12 months ago. To think that other women still feel this way now.

Please know your worth!

This is not to say that all mentioned above has been mastered, but my demons are on short leashes these days and I am the boss of them not the other way around.

I have seen the manifestation of my growth and it is an outer body experience. No one knows me better than I do, no one knows how I would react to certain situations, but now I surprise myself. I do not react the same way. I can clearly see the distinction between the old me and me now.

Recently I was notified I will be losing my job due to funding.

Let’s play a game. I am going to give you both reactions as I know them to be, the one of based of my past behavior and my actual response to this news…

Ready?

Old me:

Employer: “We regret to inform you that due to funding we will not be able to keep you as of October 20th….”

Internal Monologue: No no no no no! this is not fair. This shit always happens before my birthday. DUI last year and jobless this year. Guess I am going to have to cancel that tattoo appointment I made. I can’t ever do anything nice for myself. What the hell am I going to do now?! How I am I supposed to enjoy my vacation if I come back jobless. I wonder if I can get out of the trip I should just use the time job searching anyway. What the hell does it matter if I don’t go to Mexico I never go anywhere anyway. Oh great a new job to hate here I come…..”

And more and more negative soul and spirit crushing words.

Mind you this is the cliff note version. Haha

Here’s what really happened:

Employer: “We regret to inform you that due to funding we will not be able to keep you as of October 20th….”

Me: “I completely understand I can’t imagine this being an easy conversation to have and I knew coming on that it was a contracted position and that this was a possibility”

Employer: “You won’t believe this but I couldn’t sleep last night because I had to tell you…”

Me: “oh I believe it I am wonderful! I wouldn’t want to let me go either!”

Two Different Women.

I went to my tattoo appointment, I had made it as a present to myself before the news; I did not punish myself because I did what I planned to do when I got this job, I spent a year in the City of San Jose, furthered my skill set and saved some money. Why would I punish myself for reaching my goal? Why would I ruin my vacation because life happened?

Logic…oh hello! Is that you?… Nice to finally meet you!

Maybe this seems small in the great scheme of things but if you are someone who battles with depression you know what a victory this is for me. I let my mind ruin things they never should have and I am doing my best to stop that cycle.

I now work out because I want to! I have started kick boxing…KICKBOXING! Never in my life did I think I’d be a girl who does kick boxing.

But why the hell not?! why not me? Why shouldn’t I learn to finally love my body?!

Do what you want to, try new things, be awkward at them, be nervous about them but give yourself permission to try. If you hate it don’t go back. Simple.

I also took my brother to dinner for the 4th year in a row for his birthday and I can feel our bond growing. Making time for my brothers was a goal I set when I realized how I let relationships and my depression take over my life. I began to neglect those closest to me and I felt horrible about it.

But this year I realized in a conversation with him that I am doing it, that I have been doing it for the past four years and more importantly…

I AM a better sister.

I have so much more to go but things are changing. I let go of people whose chapters have ended and I have been open to the writing of new ones.

But

it all takes time…

The way I react to things is tested daily but I get the choice to who responds, the old me or this one now and I am proud every time I respond, the woman in progress, the woman fighting.

My body will change too with more time and more discipline but I feel better about the strength I am capable of, strength and determination I did not know I had.

A strength it took to start this year journey.

Honestly start it.

A journey that has lead me here to this blog with this purpose.

A purpose to encourage and inspire healing through my honest vulnerability…

And I am proud.

My eyes are whelming up because I have not been able to utter those words honestly for a long time and here I am about to enter further into my 30’s, about to be unemployed, unsure of my future …

And proud!

You don’t have to be perfect to be proud of yourself celebrate all your victories especially the small ones.

I had dinner with an old friend yesterday and she said something I will not forget and neither should you.

“If you are merely 1% better than you were yesterday in 50 days, you will be 50% better!”

Small things add to big things!

Be proud Babes, we are doing it!

* and if you’re not just yet, that’s ok…but Start! *

Con todo amor,

Jena