My Mom, My Purpose

So it has been a loooong time since I have popped in and shared my thoughts and so much has happened in the in between. Some great and some greatly devastating.

Let's just jump into it,  I lost my best friend 3 days before christmas. My mother passed in her sleep early morning on the 22nd. As sudden and painful as this is, I have no regrets what so ever. I spent the days before caring for her and taking her to doctors appointments and we joked and made the best of it like we always do. Everything with that women turns into an adventure. 

She is magic that way. 

Days before it happened she spent the day in my apartment and I drew her a bath made her dinner and we watched bridget jones baby because her man Patrick Dempsey was in it. We also watched 8 mile which I never seen before and was her choice lol. Now I am sure your getting a better representation of my mom. 

We woke up the morning after and as my eyes were still closed she told me "bitch where is my coffee" haha... I snapped something smart back to her but then got up and made the women coffee. Her and I have a very special bond where we can bark at each other but with the most love and respect. Weird but so us. 

As I posted in previous blogs having coffee with her was one of my favorite things. It was just me, mom and a cup of mud. 

I think I will miss that most. I have intentions of keeping a cup near her urn just to feel like we still have our dates and our little world.

As I write this happiness and sadness flood over me but more so happiness as I had the best mother a girl could as for. I mean what other mother would hold you close and then just as quicly call you an ass haha.

Her memorial was filled with more people than we could fit in the room a true testimony to how many lives she touched. She gave her life to others, literally to her last day.

I have watched those around me grieve her loss in different ways sadly a lot remorsefully, as most people as we all do assume we have more time to make amends but life does not grantee that. So restore bridges while you can, make peace, and tell those who you love and admire how much they mean.

I do not mourn this way, God was good to me in setting up the most perfect last days with her. My last memory was kissing her and telling her I loved her. Her telling me that she loved me. 

this of course was after I finished rubbing her butt with bengay...classic. She even said " you dont know how much you love or appreciate your daugther till she rubs your butt. " haahah

A month before she was telling my brother and I just how proud she was of us. My brother made the decision to better himself just a month before and it was such a relief to her. She worried so much for us, but all the best mothers do. I have peace knowing my brother and I will continue to work on our health and helping others as my mom wanted so badly for us.

This leads me to my next point, my mother is my world, the very reason I kept pushing when in my deepest moments of depression consumed me to forgetting why I fought to live at all. 

So what happens now?

Well...

I had to make a choice, again I had to choose light over darkness and this time I felt I had a REAL reason to quit, my mother died. My light, my sunshine was gone. 

But then I thought what she would want, what she always wanted, what I had learned in the years of recovery from depression, ptsd, and anxiety and it was to live with purpose! 

I had found my purpose in my pain and used it as victory before and I intend to do it again damn it! I had vowed to to this journey honestly and well this is as raw and honest as its going to get. 

I did not make this choice with complete grace I did fall back into old behaviors of self medicating with alcohol and binge eating but then I realized that is not who I am anymore and again picked up my pieces.

You see you only fail when you stop trying...

I decided to became a health coach 3 months ago, a desire I had but was scared to try. I dove into it and it fell in love. My hearts mission is to help people anyway I can, emotionally through this blog and art and now physically with my wellness coaching. What I have learned is that this group of women are not just working on themselves we are working on each other. they have supported me in my loss, comforted me and checked up on me. It is for this reason I picked myself up and remembered how important it was to take care of my body and washing it over with alcohol and stuffing it with junk was not the way.

So I started a light yoga practice and my just showing up has inspired others. I have had people mention that my ability to still show up during this time has made them realize they have no excuse not to do the same for theirselves. 

And there is the magic, a magic my mom always understood, you dont have to be perfect to help or inspire people you only have to be genuine and real.

I celebrate her spirit in everything I do.

Feel free to follow my Wellness coaching on instagram @nya_jenrenay . Just DM me on Instagram I am here for you!