Grief and Covid 19
Well Hello there!
I had this grand plan of writing this blog with an outline and deep thought in toe but… we are just gonna dive in and see what happens.
The truth is although I would like to have a rough draft I know that I was using the fact that I didn’t make one stop me from really getting into this because the truth is its a tough topic.
Like most of you I am working from home these days and if I am honest that’s an hour or two of some online trainings and a manager call here and there… then a TON of Netflix and free time for my thoughts to run amuck and boy have they ever.
I have also spent some time listening to some podcasts, I highly recommend listening to Emily and Kumail “staying in” they are super funny and insightful.
On one for the podcasts they mention how we aren’t currently making any new memories or having new experiences so this leads to the contemplation of old memories and explains why some of us are having some pretty nasty nightmares as our brains are trying to a give face to this faceless fear we are all currently experiencing. It also explains some of our more nostalgic activities we may have taken up again to comfort ourselves, maybe you’re playing more video games, doing puzzles or watching childhood favorites.
For me however I am revisiting old memories good and bad. I find my self triggered by anything and everything these days but the two main culprits for me have been Netflix and Social Media.
First off anyone else find that Netflix new originals love to kill off loved ones ??? or is that just me. I find myself relating ER scenes to times I spent with my grandmother during hospice. Then other ones where a parent is absent or just plain old killed off to the loss of my mom and my childhood.
During this time of Covid I have learned a few new things about my grief.
its no where near being done
I haven’t dealt with all forms of it ( like the ugliest side of it, well get to that in a minute)
the deaths of my grandma and mom were traumatizing experiences for me (duh right? ya I know I should have known that)
I needed to feel be honest with it like REALLY honest
In regards to Social Media and being honest with the ugly side of my grief I found myself facing it for the first time nearly 3 years later. This was the hardest part for me. For 3 years I prided myself on spinning my tragedy into this beautiful story of empowerment. I was using my pain poetically to help others, to leave a legacy of my mother and I completely understood the greater meaning of my loss and I was ok with it….but that wasn’t entirely true and I’m JUST learning that.
I am not ok with it. I am not ok with loosing my best friend, the love of my life, I am not ok with loosing my mom. I am not ok with prayers not answered.
I am not ok with having to live the rest of my life without her and you know what?
THATS OK!
I could only get to this true place of raw honesty by getting jealous, bitter and disappointed. I have seen 3 friends of mine experience tragedies with a loved one during this time and share it via social media. I have read their posts for prayer and I have prayed. I have seen Cancer disappear, doctors proven wrong and family members go back home.
As much as I wanted nothing more for these outcomes for my friends, I mean I prayed for them, I stood in agreement and here they were prayers being answered I should be thrilled right?
WRONG!
I was hurt or a part of me was, why not me?! Why not my mom?! I have never felt that way before the “why me”, I have never been one to not celebrate my loved ones wins but during this time I was not the bigger person I wasn’t the rational “see the bigger picture for the greater good” I was just a daughter who lost her mother and wished God had answered my prayers for healing.
I needed that. I need to be angry, I needed to be ugly, I needed to be honest.
I apologized to my friends who had no clue I was bitter. I dealt with the guilt with being a “bad friend” and with being human and then I gave myself grace.
because its all apart of healing, all apart of grief.
Maybe you feel like a garbage human being lately, I know I did for moments these past few months as I felt grief via Covid but I share this in hopes that you know that even those feelings are OK.
Ugly but necessary.
Be human, feel, cry, get honest, get ugly and then give yourself grace because you’re still healing.
its ok to be messy its ok to be ugly. You are not alone.
Con todo amor,
Jen