How To Cultivate Confidence

Ever see a woman walking down the street, on insta or on t.v and just think to yourself “if I just had half the confidence she did”?

Well I am telling you can!

There is nothing different from you and her… beside maybe a better sense of self. So here are some tips to get you there because you deserve to be comfortable in your own skin babe, we all do!

Ready for story time? I am going to share with you my very own tale of confidence. Never in my life did I think Id be sitting writing to other women on how to believe in themselves. Truth is just a few short years ago I was pleading with God and the universe to give me purpose. I was stuck on a endless cycle of lifeless activities. I was miserable and in full disclosure I was so lost that if a shady character offered me the out of falling asleep and never waking without the pain and suffering it would cause my loved ones, I would have taken them up on it. I was a shell of a human being and I honestly could not stand another day of it. I literally cried out with all my being… and then I went to bed.

I love to tell you that the next day it was puppies and rainbows but we all know it doesn’t work like BUT… something was different. A memory was playing on repeat for me, I was once asked in my early 20s (when I had no clue to who I was) What I was passionate about? The only answer I could come up with was “WOMEN” you see I always had a rooted belief that we deserved more than the crumbs I had seen generations of women in my life accept. I bitterly presented this answer to my youth leader who asked me, saying “what am I suppose to do with this information ?! be a motivational speaker”

Flash forward 10 years later and here I am trying to motivate you, touche` life

That memory made no sense to me at the time but I was aware of it. My depression continued and I had used every trick in my unhealthy tool box to attempt to keep it at bay. For example running, I used to run to make myself so tired I literally couldn’t feel. Well one day after even this self punishment did not work I went to my car and broke down cursing my existence and the fact that no one saw me and my pain. Then instantly … Hello conviction! I felt a whisper say “when was the last time YOU thought of someone other than yourself?!”

Again life, well played.

On the way home from that run I stopped by target and got some bargain bin cards and wrote the card I needed. I wrote out 12 cards of encouragement, signed my instagram handle on them and left them where ever I went, coffee shops, my gym, wherever. I forgot about them and a few weeks went by and then there was a flood of women in my messages saying how much the card I wrote made a difference!

I had helped women, in my lowest moment, my most broken and even still I mattered, my voice mattered.

This opened up the door to my confidence because I was for the first time in my life curious to who I was beyond my depression and my pain.

Ok so lets get into it. What is confidence?

Definition of Confidence:

• The state of feeling certain about the TRUTH of Something

• A feeling of self assurance from ones abilities

Notice that neither definition has anything to do with your physical appearance!

Here is a simple system to implement in cultivating confidence for yourself..

THE 4 C’S:

• Curiosity of what you can be/ want to be

• Challenging core beliefs / self discovery

• Cultivating community

• Not Caring about what other people think!

Curiosity Of What You Can Be/ Want To Be

Knowing I could help people despite my imperfections made me curious about what else I was capable of.

Ok lets focus on the first definition

In order to be certain of your truth you must first know YOUR TRUTH

NOT your parents, partners, friends, bosses, or churches truths… YOURS

this is done by challenging( and creating) your core beliefs

Challenging Core Beliefs

These truths are your core beliefs, your unshakeables. The “no matter what” these things stay the same.

If I asked you for 3-5 words that defined you as a person, would you know what they were? If not that’s ok! That’s where self discovery comes into play ( Well get to that soon)

The sad truth is most people THINK they know who they are but in reality they have no idea.

For me some of my core beliefs are:

• Faith

• Creativity

• Service

• Family

• Gratitude

Identifying these core beliefs help you live a more fulfilling life, with confidence.

In order to get to a place of confidence I had to get comfortable with my discomfort and confront it. I had to realize where the reality of my lack of confidence originated from.

For me that had a lot to do with childhood trauma, associating looks with worth through interactions in my culture and family, the emotional abuse I got when I was married all contributed to my lack of self worth but also my lack of action!

I let other people pin point who I was, I let their actions define me and I accepted the person they presented to me as my truth.

I had given the world my power, but I also had the right to get it back! And that is what self discovery is about

If we look at the second definition of confidence it talks about self assurance and appreciation of ones abilities, in order to appreciate yourself you have to kinda know yourself right?!

Self Discovery:

Is a coming home to self, maybe even meeting yourself for the first time.

Here are some self discovery exercises to put into play:

• Morning pages ( this is different than journaling) Morning pages helps us release and find out what is going on internally. Set up 10 to 15 minutes in the morning to write down what ever your feeling or thinking, no matter how random, remember that “random” memory I had of being passionate about women? this is what I am talking about. It doesn’t have to be complete paragraphs, Hell it doesn’t have to be complete sentences. It can be a word or a phrase. Don’t worry if you later look at these jumbled words and they make little to no sense it will all come around I promise! Just imagine what life would look like if you respected your feelings and thought life enough to give yourself a few minutes a day dedicated to just listening to yourself with out judgement.

• Journaling / gratitude

In order to cultivate positive thinking try practicing gratitude by writing down 3 things a day that you are grateful for. Gratitude and Confidence are a muscle and grow the more you work them out!

Also utilize working with a journal of some sort and writing down in detail your feelings. This is like a self interview ask yourself questions and give yourself time and space to get to know the answers. Treat yourself like a complete stranger and really dig deep. Imagine going on a first date and all the things your curious about the other person, their likes, dreams, desires. We ask this of other people to see if we want to have them around us, if whether or not they are deserving of us and our time. So why wouldn’t we take the time to get to know ourselves? to make sure we are worthy of our time?! I mean we are really the ones who we have to spend THE REST OF OUR LIVES WITH.

• Mirror Work:

Look yourself in the mirror and speak kindness over yourself. Speak encouragement, say the words you want a lover to say over you. List 1-2 things you like about yourself NO MATTER HOW SMALL. Apologize for harsh words, thoughts or judgement you have placed on yourself. Never forget you deserve to be in this world and to be seen but sometimes we must first give ourselves permission to see ourself!

Stop Caring What Other People Think

Above all the key to self confidence is to free yourself of other peoples opinion of you and just not care what others think because the only opinion that matters is yours!

Remember confidence is not how the world see’s you its how you see yourself.

And truth be told my love no one is worried about you, they are too worried about themselves and people judging them just as you are!

As sad as it may sound that “no one cares” its also so damn liberating!

I mean if were all so focused on ourselves why not be focused on our greatness rather the live in the fear of our shortcomings?!

Cultivating Community

Will it be easy? No but that’s why it is so important to cultivate a community even if its just one or two people in your corner to help remind you who you are. ( this is also where a wellness coach can come into play.)

But above all never forget …

You my dear are anything but average!!!

If you need help with starting your process of self discovery I have made a free handout for just that.

just click the link below for your call to confidence!

https://form.jotform.com/92114452139149

All my love,

NYA Wellness (Jena Gonzales)